The Charlatan Food Critics
Pizza
I like everything about pizza. I like making pizza. I like eating pizza. I like thin crust pizza better than thick. I like every piece of morsel found on the kitchen floor on my pizza. The best pizza is a "garbage" or buffet pizza ― everything on it … !
What makes a great pizza composition is: A very light layer of olive oil on the crust, a good tomato sauce, a thin floor of sliced mozzarella cheese, paper-thin sliced onions, a real fennel/anise infused, mild Italian sausage, black olives, slivers of anchovies (for salt), shaves of prosciutto and a final, heaping layer of shredded mozzarella.
Oh, too much you say? A pizza should have no more than one or two ingredients? Who the hell made you the pizza god? A real pizza is a thick-crust pizza. Really? Of the New York pizza: "The crust is thick and crisp only along its edge, yet soft, thin, and pliable enough beneath its toppings to be folded in half to eat. Traditional toppings are simply tomato sauce and shredded mozzarella cheese." 1 Damn, that's a dull pizza!
Give me a break. Who would want to fold their pizza? I fold my laundry and underwear. And who says the crust must have a "chew?" If I want "chew" I'll get some gum. Who comes up with all this crap? The characteristics of a pizza should not be defined by some emotionally bored, mentally shaved, self-proclaimed expert. A good pizza is how you like it. Period … !
Wine & Palate
Ah, then there are the Kings of Delusion ― Sommeliers.
A sommelier, or wine steward, is a trained and knowledgeable wine professional, normally working in fine restaurants, who specializes in all aspects of wine service as well as wine and food pairing. The role in fine dining today is much more specialized and informed than that of a wine waiter. Sommeliers Australia states that the role is strategically on par with that of the chef de cuisine. 2
A Critique: "Deep purple colour. Aromas of rich dark currants, nectarine skins, gushing blackberry, but lots of fragrant tobacco, rich soil, white flowers, smashed minerals and metal. Medium-bodied and saucy but racy acidity stabilizes the wine nicely with the robust tannins. Deep red currants and ripe cherries, laden with mocha, loamy soil, charred herbs, pencil shavings, roasted hazelnut. Dense like characters that make it perfect for cellaring, however it is drinkable straight away once you expose it to the earth’s atmosphere. This is a delicious Sonoma Cabernet! Has been matured for 24 months in 2 year old 55% Tronçais and 45% Vosges oak. 95 points." 3
Now that is a statement of meaningless bullshit if I have ever read one. Yeah, I'll give you some palate. Oh, and where is the "Nose?" Sommeliers always mention something about nose. What the hell is that?
I had the fortune in my lifetime to have been served red wines (Cabernet Sauvignon) which cost upwards of $400+ a bottle. I thought they tasted like dishwasher water. Not a professional Sommelier, but a good friend of mine who travels the world extensively and has enjoyed the finest wines of every country and region around the world for over 40 years, came to me one day ― excited as a grizzly bear in heat ― with a wine he said would become his new daily consumption. It was a cheap California brand called Vandange. A 1.5 Liter bottle sold for about $9.00 at the time.
I quickly ran out and got a bottle. To this day, I would not purchase a different Cab. Oh, and don't talk to me about paring with food. That whole concept is another matter.
The upshot: Screw the experts. Drink what tastes good/whatever you can afford. Or just have a quality European craft beer ― it's unequivocally better, anyway.
Anyway … Talk to you later.
Christoph ― The Bourgeois Chef ™
1 Reference https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/New_York-style_pizza
2 Reference https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sommelier
3 Reference https://winewankers.com/2017/02/14/is-this-the-most-ridiculous-wine-review-ever/
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Copyright
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